Fear management

In early infancy, babies form strong bonds of love and trust with familiar and important people in their lives, especially their parents. They learn to feel comfortable and safe in the world around them. Since their well-being depends entirely on others, they have very few fears. A very young baby might be left alone in the dark, lifted to high places, shown large animals or small insects, or handed to strangers—and yet show no signs of fear.

Later on, however, usually between six and eight months of age, most babies begin to feel anxious around unfamiliar people. Your baby has become used to the few faces they see every day and can now distinguish them from others.

The kind of fear a baby feels when encountering someone new varies from child to child. One day you may notice your baby burying their face in your chest when introduced to your supervisor. Or, you might feel embarrassed when your previously charming baby lets out a loud shriek of terror when your mother-in-law tries to pick them up. Even you might seem like a stranger to your baby if you've changed your appearance—a new haircut, glasses, facial hair, or even shaving can trigger stranger anxiety.

The key to helping babies manage stranger anxiety is to understand their fear and offer emotional support instead of scolding them. Babies are too young to learn lessons about bravery and confidence. They aren’t concerned about being polite to strangers who are trying to take them away from their mother’s arms. What they need is reassurance that they can cling to you and that you won’t betray them by insisting they sit with a "stranger."

Ignore anyone who tells you not to validate your child’s fear. At this age, the best thing you can do is let your baby meet new people from the safety of your arms—or even from behind your legs. When approaching someone unfamiliar to your child, be mindful of your behavior. If you feel tense, speak harshly or softly, or appear displeased, your baby will instantly pick up on it and become afraid. Instead, keep your tone calm and soothing. Smile. If you remain calm, you send the message that the situation is safe and the new person is friendly.

Another fear that may emerge is separation anxiety. Babies don’t yet understand the concept of object permanence. To them, when you leave their sight, you are gone forever. That’s why around 10 months old, your baby might cry when you leave the room or cling to your leg and scream when you try to go out. They are afraid they won’t see you again.

Knowing that separation anxiety is normal doesn’t make it easier to manage. Some parents avoid the drama by never leaving their child—but this is impractical and can interfere with the child’s development of confidence. Although most children start to grow out of separation anxiety by 18 months, you can begin teaching your child early that separation is not permanent.

Separation games can help. When your baby is awake, say "bye-bye," leave the room for a few seconds, then return smiling and give them a hug. Repeat this throughout the day, gradually increasing the time you stay away. (If your baby starts crying the moment you leave, try maintaining vocal contact—keep talking to them from the other room.) Games like "peekaboo" or hide-and-seek are also fun ways to teach the concept of object permanence.

Short separations can also be helpful learning moments. Leave your baby with a trusted, familiar caregiver while you take a quick walk or run an errand. Smile and stay positive when leaving (even if your baby is clinging to your leg and crying) and when you return. Doing this regularly helps your baby learn that you always come back—and that separation isn’t something to fear.

After 6 months, babies may also develop fears of environmental stimuli. Loud noises from a vacuum cleaner or thunder, large animals, fireworks, or even clowns may scare them. These fears stem from the unknown, the unexpected, and the uncontrollable.

If your child develops these types of fears, try to desensitize them gradually. For example, if your child is afraid of the vacuum cleaner, let them explore it while it’s turned off. Show them the switch, and let them see you using it. Hold your child at a comfortable distance while someone else turns the vacuum on briefly.

To help with fear of dogs, you might show your child a video or read them a story about a child and their beloved pet. Give them a stuffed toy dog to play with. Show them a very small dog from a distance. Over time, let your child decide if and when they feel ready to approach the source of their fear.

The Parent’s Role in Helping Children Cope with Fear

• Respect your child’s fears. Expecting them to be “tough” only adds to their anxiety.
• Acknowledge their fear and show empathy by saying things like, “I understand that loud noises can be scary.”
• Praise your child for any effort to overcome their fear, no matter how small.
• Reassure your child that you will protect them and that nothing bad will happen.
• Remember that all children have an instinctive fear of the unknown and the uncontrollable.

Avoid:

• Overdoing your support. If you overcomfort them, they may assume there really is something to fear.
• Introducing fear yourself. Telling your child “Don’t be afraid” might make them consider fear as an option they hadn’t thought of.
• Calling their fears “silly.” To your child, their fears are very real and important.
• Threatening punishment based on fear. Saying something like, “If you don’t behave, I’ll leave you at the store,” introduces a new fear of abandonment.
• Expecting your child to think like you. Your child is still new to this world and has no way of knowing that, for example, a siren can’t hurt them.

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